Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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