If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
