oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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