and you said cock pushups were impossible
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
