I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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