There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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