i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
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