I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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