Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
