I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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