I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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