Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
