Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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