well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
Randomize
