I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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