Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
