I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
