Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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