i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
