It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
