The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
