i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
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