I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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