I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
