____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
