Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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