You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Why is your signature on my underwear?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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