yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
