You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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