Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
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