if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
