Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Randomize
