I cannot find my penis.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We are two peas in an std pod
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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