I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
