Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
