please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
