Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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