Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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