I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
