I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
