I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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