This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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