if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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