Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
