Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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