oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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