'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
