HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
