I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
How was Slumdog? Did it pull your heartstrings?
It was entertaining. Better than most other Mexican films.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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