How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
