I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
