i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
